When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. Save the planet? 3. Either you gimme my money backor I'm shittin' in the well! Is that such a strange notion. Its because volunteers work for no pay. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. You could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist, theres another thing; the only blacks youll find at country clubs are carrying trays. The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety, it simply doesn't give a fuck about you. Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson," I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson," I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. He was also known for his outspoken views on government and politics. Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!". And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. We havent tried that for a while. Compared with the people, the planet is doin great. In the first place, white people got no business playing the blues ever at all under any circumstances ever, ever, ever! An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. 4. Dole tried to hide it, didn't he? The actual author of this quote is Roger J. Corless, from his book "The Vision of Buddhism: the Space Under the Tree". Why would he give us a certain. I think humans were given great great gifts: walking upright, binocular vision, opposable thumb, large brain We grew. But it can't happen, "I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Who wants to get sucked off by a forty-three-year-old clergyman with beard stubble? They're doing amphetamines. What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? So arrogant. Its interested in its own power. George Carlin - Wikiquote Everybodys going to save something now. You never hear them say Jesus made me drop the ball. The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage. According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." So, basically, what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who has had more than one period is a serial killer! Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? He died in 2008, the week after he had been named the recipient of the Mark Twain Prize . And if they tell you youre not a team player, congratulate them on being observant. I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration. "(pop, pop) Been up all week, man! Then youre just what theyre looking for. -George Carlin We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus. It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. We think in language. Where are these people hiding? The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centersbut if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. Has been for thousands of years! The people are [bleeped out]. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Fascism won it. If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. In America, anyone can become president. Keep your circle small. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. But hey, reverend, there are two knobs on the radio! These are the same people who were elected with the help of the moral majority. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money. Thats the problem., I call him Governor Bush because thats the only political office hes ever held legally in this country., Political correctness is Americas newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance., Forget the politicians. They don't have a peace college. "Land of the Free," "Home of the Brave," "The American Dream," "All men are equal," "Justice is blind," "The Press is free," "Your vote counts," "Business is honest," "The good guys win," "The police are on your side," "God is watching you," "Your standard of living will never decline" and "Everything is going to be just fine:" the official national bullshit story. And don't you love the way these kind of people pervert the English language? I started this website because I wanted to help people like you to maximize their potential and achieve their dreams. It's an arrogant thing to place a burning barrier between you and the rest of the world. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. These people call themselves "right to lifers." George Carlin It's true! They'd look up in the sky and see "the person in the moon". Did you ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into during the day? Opinion: With apologies to George Carlin, here are seven words they can It's true! His parents divorced when he was two months old, and he . Here's my problem with the Ten Commandments: why are there ten? So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn't mean a thing. Who the fuck is going to invade the US? The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election. George Carlin, 66. You kick the priest in the nuts and say, "Fuck you, Father, I don't do that shit" And you're out the door. Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and theyre against homosexuals. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I dont occupy. Why did they decide that? Call me! 2. I'm the Founder of SucceedFeed.com and I truly appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and being apart of the Succeed Feed community. Here's another question I have. Everything He ever makes dies., 9. 01. What did Clinton say? Really? A country with a five-trillion-dollar debt is giving advice on handling money? The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one . Broadly speaking. "Life is sacred"? 31. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. No war on homelessness. His father was from Donegal, Ireland, and his mother was Irish-American. Thats the only thing. Were goin away. Whether you agree with him or not, Carlins views are definitely worth considering. Fairly simple thing. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. - George Carlin. And we wont leave much of a trace. <style>.woocommerce-product-gallery{ opacity: 1 !important; }</style> Everybody complains about politicians. its only a symbol. Then you're just what they're looking for. Feel free to reach out and connect. The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses, You Can Be The Reason Someone Feels Okay In Their OwnSkin, The Best Dating Sites and Apps: Complete List of the Top Online DatingPlatforms. 24. Pointless careerism, putting on a man tailored suit and shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? And now, ladies and gentlemen, that we've enjoyed some good times this evening, and enjoyed some laughter together, I feel it is my obligation to remind you of some of the negative, depressing, dangerous, life-threatening things that life is really all about; things you have not been thinking about tonight, but which will be waiting for you as soon as you leave the theater or as soon as you turn off your television sets. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? That would make a "He-man" an "It-person." Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they're gonna tell you some things you shouldn't say because they're Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?, 8. When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. They say, "oh, we're going for a nature walk. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. I'm big on that. I can't follow the logic on that one at all! He was regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time. You have no right to complain. Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things. George Carlin, 19. Nothing sacred about those things. Say, pardon me? (shoots gun) Im awfully sorry. Continue with Recommended Cookies. 28. If black boxes survive air crashes why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin, 55. In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! You have owners. Forget the politicians. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. I wonder why prostitution is illegal. Are these people kidding? BREAKING: 100 days . And complaining about the politicians. George Carlin on Customs. 7. Remember that? If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. All right, that's enough of that. 18. When youre born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin, 48. I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. 49. They even have a war college at Ft. McNair, Washington. You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? You see all, sooner or later. 37. ", In 2001, the official George Carlin website explicitly stated that the list including all of these lines was not the work of Carlin. Here's one for the ladies, "Nary-A-Carry"! You don't have to lie. Name six ways we're better than chickens See, nobody can do it! There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. What? Next fucking case! 42. This is what we have to offer. ", Variations of this piece have also been misattributed to, "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body". And the supreme arrogance? We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Huh? It's interested in it's own power. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice., Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups., If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else., Political correctness cripples discourse, creates ugly language and is generally stupid., Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out., When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person., If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders., If you have selfish and ignorant citizens then you too will become a selfish and bad leader.. Because I think we squandered great gifts. They own all the important land. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks. Conservatives say if you dont give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. The espresso machine is jammed? ""This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. Christmas Quotes For Mothers To Make Her Day, These 10 Quotes About Best Friend Love Are Perfect For Showing Your True Colors, 118+ Inspiring Christmas Quotes For Instagram That Will Bring A Warm Glow To Your Holiday Season, Mourning Your Dogs Death With Quotes From Rainbow Bridge, 15+ Rumi Quotes On Happiness That Will Boost Your Mood, These Rumi Quotes About Depression Will Bring You Comfort. Because you have the illusion of choice! When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? In the bullshit department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? It will be a coincidence. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? They don't care about the planet in theory. We dont even know how to take care of ourselves; we havent learned how to care for one another. Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images, Seth Meyers White House Correspondents' Dinner Speech, Dan Quayle Funny Quotes and Misstatements, The Funniest Political Quotes of All Time, France Jokes and Funny Quotes About France, Bidenisms: Funniest Joe Biden Quotes and Gaffes, Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin Shitting on GovernmentBuy Me a Pizzahttps://www.buymeacoffee.com/LaughPlGEORGE CARLINhttps://www.youtube.com/user/OfficialGeorgeCarlin/feedGeor. Think of the intellect it must take to derive pleasure from this activity: Hitting a ball with a crooked stickand walking after it! Best George Carlin Quotes of All Time - LiveAbout For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. Anything differentthat's what they're gonna talk aboutrace, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the bank! If you burn the flag, youre burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. You rarely see a bumper sticker that says 'Save the tumors'. They just care about having a comfortable place. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Theyre privileges. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Nothing left. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. They don't take into them the idea that we are part of it. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? Simple thing. Goddamn there's a lot of stupid bastards walking around. And generally speaking again it's all generalized the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? So, we must be clear about our expectations for government and its role in our lives. They dont mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. The planet doesn't need that. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The House of Blues they ought to call it the House of Lame White Motherfuckers; inauthentic, low frequency, single-digit, lame, white motherfuckers especially these male movie stars who think theyre blues artists. And athletes, athletes got into uppers, college athletes. And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to. George Carlin quotes and jokes about humanity. You voted them in. But he loves you. People are fucking nuts. Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. And that's fine. 51 Genius Quotes That Prove George Carlin Was A Modern Philosopher